Have you ever felt pressure to stop breastfeeding, or guilt for continuing?
Showing posts with label Guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Guilt. Show all posts
70% of mums have felt pressure to stop breastfeeding.
Back in August I wrote the post "Guilt If You Breastfeed, Guilt If You Don't" - we hear a lot in the media about the "Breastfeeding Mafia" and how mums are feeling this overwhelming pressure to breastfeed and being "guilt tripped" if they touch breastmilk substitutes. Now to me, given only 4% of infants are exclusively breastfed at 6 months - it doesn't leave very many people to create this all powerful mafia bringing 96% of mothers to their knees! I personally think most of us are perfectly capable of guilt tripping ourselves when we read something that worries us, but anyway. My feelings are that something very rarely acknowledged is the pressure a breastfeeding mother may face for not introducing a bottle or swapping entirely (as discussed in the article above) so I decided to run a poll:
Parents give yourself a big hug this Christmas, NOBODY'S Perfect!
Guilt is described as an emotion we feel when we feel responsible for an error or mistake, yet many of the things parents feel guilty about are either totally beyond their control, or heavily influenced by factors that are.
In my opinion guilt as an emotion is only positive if it causes us to think through the situation and either feel remorse ie in a situation that was genuinely our fault, to prompt a different response in the future OR to establish actually we weren't responsible, who was and therefore again ultimately how can we help prompt a different response in the future. Otherwise the "beating oneself up" aspect of guilt is purely negative and of no benefit - nor is "working through the guilt" ie learning to live with it, without exploring why we feel guilty in the first place and resolving this with what could happen differently.
Health Professionals giving duff advice is a key example. With my first child, I was like many and at mercy of the HP's - I knew nothing, they knew it all (or so I believed) so when at four months my Health Visitor suggested formula would help my baby sleep longer, I - albeit a tad naively, assumed they knew best. My daughter who had always had slightly dry skin broke out in eczema and we were referred to a dermatologist. Do I think formula was the link? Probably. Do I feel guilty? Not any more. Did I make a different choice next time? Absolutely.
After a good ponder, what I came to feel was the only mistake I had made was to blindly follow someone else's advice, and regardless of the uniform this is never the best plan; so I decided next time I would look for evidence based information to verify what I was told (yeah I kinda ran with that one a bit ;)). I didn't know about why exclusive breastfeeding was recommended, and assumed the HP wouldn't suggest something that could potentially be harmful. Given that people such as Health Visitors are there solely to support parents - it's entirely reasonable to expect them to be knowledgeable. If I went to the bank for some financial support, I wouldn't beat myself up if they gave me the wrong facts and figures - I would expect them to do their job properly.
The fact was if formula indeed caused the problem, then the HP recommending the formula was ultimately responsible - and so I contacted the "Head of Health Visitors" for the area I then lived in. She was horrified to hear what I had been told and promised to immediately implement updated training to ensure other mothers weren't given such advice. Why should I carry the burden of responsibility for something an expert was paid to help me with?
The big battle of the anxious parenting race begins shortly after birth - can they roll? how are they sleeping? are they a "good baby" (clearly defined in Western terms as low maintenance, sleeps for long periods without needing contact) how often does he feed? is she doing well with solids? wow weaning already, how many ice cubes does she have? parents compare their baby, sometimes almost as a gauge as to how well they are parenting. Whether your baby is a good sleeper or not is at some parenting groups the badge of "a good parent", with these parents called upon to share their wisdom with those souls suffering a less than great sleeper. Sometimes parents say their baby is a great sleeper when they're actually not - because parents are often as nervous as being perceived as a "bad parent" as they are of being one.
A very real fact is all babies are different - some parenting books can make parents feel that their baby is unusual and if they only did xyz, they would have the perfect baby. I distinctly remember reading a book that specifically said if your baby does not sleep "well" (by current Western standards), it is always something the parent is doing wrong. After doing little else for nearly a year than trying to improve my daughters sleep; following numerous books, plans and techniques such as "pick up, put down" and "rapid return" (which was anything but rapid with my spirited bean - two hundred and odd returns before I figured that probably wasn't going to work) I accepted, you know what this is not my fault! No more than it was anything amazing I did that made my second child a typical "great sleeper". If it were true I wouldn't know as many people who have had one or more sleep loving children before delivering one who wasn't as keen to conform and preferred partying in the crib at 2am.
Some children will express their emotions loudly and passionately from a young age, others will have a more laid back outlook to life and lean towards discussion and negotiation. Some will naturally be more extrovert and dive to the front at events or group, loving being the focus of attention - others have a far more cautious outlook to life and will sit tight with mum until they are absolutely sure, and even then might decide to stick close or just go a few feet.
I've heard guilt from parents over all of the above - baby is too quiet, too extrovert, too "tantrummy", too snatchy, too clingy, too dependent. Whilst of course some aspects are down to nurture and can be worked with especially as they get older, it's also down to nature - my two were like chalk and cheese from day one, and continue to be so in every way. It's not about doing xyz to "create the perfect child", but accepting and working with what you have; it's not a case of if I only did xyz better my baby would sleep/become less emotional/not be so clingy - it really isn't. The minute I accepted my daughter was just one of those babies who thought life was far too interesting to be sleeping, and worked with that to maximise sleep all round, instead of trying to change her into a two naps per day plus twelve hours at night type, life became a hundred times easier.
I later discovered she had an underlying tongue tie, retained birth compression and a couple of other bits that I believe was supporting her maintaining a very switched on state and made it difficult for her to relax - but that's discussed more here.
A mum of many hit the nail on the head a few years ago when she said first babies are really a big experiment and you get a little more right with each one, but ya gotta feel sorry for the first because you know so little. This is so true because ultimately the more we know, the better we do - but we do the best we can with the information and support we have at the time.
Just like no parent is perfect, neither is any child and you know what that's ok too! Embrace what your child is and view their traits warts and all in the best light you can. It's hard to hear or read something negative about a parenting decision we have taken - be that sleep training, feeding, discipline or the thousand other things we parents find to beat ourselves around the head about. But the most productive thing we can do with any piece of information is probably the hardest, to explore why it provokes the feelings within us it does and if needs be, admit we weren't perfect, made a mistake and acknowledge we would make a different choice in future - most of all acknowledge that too is really ok! Then realise that doing this and striving to be a better parent is actually what makes a good parent an amazing one, that makes a real difference to themselves and their family - not whether they always hit the mark.
So give yourself a big hug this Christmas for being a good enough parent - and why not share this article with someone you think deserves a parenting hug :)
Guilt if you breastfeed, guilt if you don't....
Perhaps it's because only a tiny percentage are still exclusively feeding at 4/5 months? Or perhaps it's just because it's considered "best" anyone doing it must therefore feel splendid?
I noted several years ago on mainstream parenting forums, that the number of mums who commented they felt pressured or "guilted" into stopping breastfeeding wasn't negligible.
It seems for as many mums who feel guilty bottle feeding, there are as many who feel our culture is generally anti-breastfeeding and works against the breastfeeding mum.
The scenario generally goes like this - mum is having some sort of problem, most people don't know enough to help resolve breastfeeding problems and so the well meaning health professional, partner or other family member (who often genuinely want to help) reverts to what they know - not breastfeeding.
Mothers are told that introducing a bottle will make life easier; perhaps if baby is unsettled or suffering with colic, not gaining weight as well as hoped or if mum is very tired. Breastfeeding can be undermined with "hungry infants" as mothers read tales from others whose baby was never settled until they had a substitute - or the relative who points out baby is obviously not "full" and he takes after his dad as he was always hungry and needed a bottle too - after all he's a big baby....
Then add in to the equation that we are still discussing whether it's even appropriate for mothers to feed their baby human milk in public.
Mothers it would appear feel judged however they feed.
For mums who don't want to stop breastfeeding, a range of emotions can follow. Self doubt, confusion, mingled with hormones and tiredness. Some speak of feeling "selfish" for wanting to continue when their baby would probably be happier on a bottle; others say they feel guilty for making things hard for the family, by being stubborn and wanting to continue when everyone is saying bottle feeding is "good enough". Some with feel guilty at using NHS resources in a bid for help, others that they've been told older siblings would understand bottle feeding better.
As the baby gets older many hear that surely he should have a bottle as well by now, or won't he get too attached if you don't get him off it? Surely you must want freedom? Give a bottle so I can take him whilst you go out!
Mums comment they feel guilty they are "too attached" as they don't always want to leave baby or concerned they are "addicted to breastfeeding", because they don't want to stop even though baby is now not newborn and even guilt they enjoy the bond with their baby!
Breastfeeding guilt comes in many guises and it's interesting to see how it's dealt with. I can't tell you how many breastfeeding calls I take start with "I hate breastfeeding and want to stop", but quite often a further chat highlights what the mums means is "I hate the current situation and want it to stop". The fact is problems are common and help is sparse. For many, especially those with a difficult or traumatic birth or with only non breastfeeding peers- breastfeeding can be hard, really hard!
Mums are often told "if it's getting hard, don't feel bad if you have to give a bottle - not everyone can breastfeed" (when the opening question was in no way related) or "giving a bottle was the best thing we did!", sometimes followed by the old classic "happy mum = happy baby". Perhaps by now not knowing what else to do, mum decides to stop, and for a while at least does feel better - because the situation has stopped, or because the dad or relatives are now happy, or the health professional has now relaxed since she is working with a substance she understands and can measure.
And so the cycle continues in a society which seemingly effectively support nobody...
Some quotes from mums about their breastfeeding experiences found on parenting forums (all reproduced with authors permission)
"My son is now 11 weeks old and exclusively breastfed. From day one my mother in law has asked me when I intend to give it up and when am I going to give him solids. She still asks me now, every time I see her. She doesn't like that she can't settle him because I am the only one with the mil,k and will say 'well if mummy would just give you a bottle I could feed you, but she doesn't so I can't". I could express for her if I wanted to and I have done once or twice, but this doesn't seem to satisfy her so I don't bother anymore.
I've also had a lot of pressure from my sister in law (who doesn't even have kids) to combination feed. She thinks I should only breastfeed once in morning and once before bed. I don't know why but she thinks it would be easier for me though, as I would have to sterilise and make up bottles!"
"I would love it if everyone knew how hard it can be, and how when we're struggling in the first few weeks, to have your partner, mum, well anyone saying just give him a bottle - get some sleep - combination feed so you can rest - IS NOT HELPFUL. What we need in those first few weeks of horrendous problems if we face them, is for someone to stand next to us like a football coach urging us on and telling us how good we are doing. We need someone to recite all the normalities of the problems. We need to hear the stories of success and hope! I really wish my family and friends had known what I have since learnt on my rocky path of breastfeeding."
"I didn't manage to breastfeed my first through exhaustion, pressure to bottle feed from family and poor advice from midwives. Second time around, I had the exhaustion and the pressure to bottle feed BUT I had amazing support from a good friend of mine who is a trained breastfeeding peer supporter. Every time I had a wobble and almost gave in to the pressure, she was there explaining what was happening and why; her encouragement was and is fantastic and really made the difference. This time baby is 8 months and we both still love breastfeeding."So what do you think? Got guilt?
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